Saturday, March 18, 2006 ; anthem of love
man.. its been some time since i blogged.
Lord i thank you, i'm not condemned. i'm right with you. You see me blameless.
To be real, i think my life is p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c, at least right now.
i dont seem to have any success in areas of my life. i dont excel in anything. i dont even think i have talent. people say that everyone has at least one talent, but i havent any.
In church, as i see peoples lives being transformed, and they just seem to always experience the presence of god in church. me? nothing happens to me in church. i dont feel his presence or anything. except yar. during camp. but thats like once a year?! i'm like really dead spiritually.
whenever people around me cry in church, cuz they feel the presence of god, i never sense any presence, needless to say, i dont cry. i feel so inferior. i feel that i'm weird, not the same as others.
hey but coach val said, when u are on the floor, treat it as an operation. i really wanna be operated. hehs. but on the other hand, Jesus justified me. so heck whatever. I'm righteous. thank you lord.
but yet, the reason why i can be a MM, in adc and publicity is seriously by his grace. i really am nothing without him.
my family life isn't really good. lotsa stuffs happening. i admit, i've given up hope. i've given up the hope of my family being whole, having peace in the house.
my studies suck. there are people who excel in practically everything, have everything in life, but how can they still be unhappy? i really dont understand.
i so want my life to be perfect lah. images of things that i shouldn't have done keep condemning me. like just today, i realise that i talked to much about someone to claudine again! i need his grace man. during dare 2 play, i took the fruit at got caught, during dog and fruit, i felt so guilty, and when my partner and i threw the pear out of place. and how when i was the midfielder, out team was losing until coach took over, and our team lost only by 1 point.
and how during service i praise and worship really weird. According to people, there's this weird expression on my face. my sis told me i look very patriotic when i sing. and how i cant sing. my voice is bleah. but i love singing.
how during service i kept on looking at him everytime he talked to the girl beside him, and he looked at me the last dare when he passed me, expecting me to say hi, since i kept on looking at him. and how during potbless i didnt look in any direction but his. and how lousy an ADC i've been, not really looking after pastor lian for the past 2 services.
i make mistakes, but i dont realise it until the devil points me to it. i feel really condemn. I always feel guilty and embarrassed over the smallest things.
theres a lot on my heart right now...
Like how frustrated i am with my parents. I feel really trapped sometimes. They dont allow me to go out, ask me to cut down on church activities, stay at home and study. i really can't. How can i study when there's so much noise in the house, and they dont allow me to go out and study? How can I concentrate on my homework when there's no peace. Screaming kids downstairs, teenagers playing soccer, they're quarrelling...
I promise myself, that this year, i'll put church as piority after homework, but next year, i'll stop going to dare. maybe just main church. i'll tell coach joy that i cant be in publicity, coach jay that i cant be adc and coach hj that i dont want to be an MM anymore. all giving the reason that i wanna study for my Os. Thats not the real reason, but i dont want to tell them. To tell them that I'm really afraid, afriad of changes. Cuz if i tell them, they'll think i'm stupid, or try to counsel me. i dont think people ever understand me. Nobody will ever understand the thoughts that go through my head, the challenges and fears that i have.
I told a coach once about one of the challenge that i face at home. Just one. and i see her face changing. I just dont want people looking at me differently.
I fear alot actually. I fear everything. New things, new people.. basically stuffs that are new. I also fear things to come, i worry a lot. Worry about what people would think. and i daydream a lot too. I dont like changes. This year wasnt a challenge in the beginning, adapting to a new subjects in school, cuz daddy promised me this year is a year of increase.
But what about next year? Things are really gonna change next year. O levels. All my church friends will be graduating next year. And i dont think i'm going to dare next year. A large part of my life will be gone. At least 1/4 of the people in dare are sec fours. In publicity, adc, MMs, GI. People that surround me in church. i'm not close with any Sec 3s or younger.
I'm crushing up a lot of dreams. Even though, i expect my future to be really sad, there's this hope in me that says my future is gonna be bright. I cant help expecting good. I suppose, thats why the bible says we are prisoners of hope. i expect to go a poly, maybe do HTM, just marry some guy and thats it. No destiny. I'm crushing up the rest. Of how i love this thing, but i'm crushing up the dream. Not some 'thing' lah, but its too personal to say here.
People have said i look one year older than i should be. Sometimes, i just want to tell them that its cause my mind is really active, and its because i always worry.
kk.. this blog entry is really long. but those are just 1/2 of the thoughts that go through my head recently. i've been really confused. i just feel my life in church crumbling, my family life full of strife, my school life half-stoning away. Even right now, just after dare service, i feel myself looking forward to the next dare service two weeks from now.
It seems that i can never sit back and enjoy my time now. I look forward to every single church meeting etc.
It always seems like the more I look forward to something, the more disappointed I become. Like during the pub potbless.
It seems that in every dare service, the only part i enjoy is the first and last part. During preaching, its like 'ah.. i have ____ ____ _____ things to do after service.' and i worry. Its really an honour to serve, but i just cant concentrate. during praise and worship also. For some reason, i open my eyes during worship just to look around me, see whats happening.
Okay.. i just have to be real with everything all bottled inside me. All these have been inside me for a really long long time. It feels good letting half of it out. The other half is too personal lah. I hope to share it with somebody who won't gossip about it. When the right time comes.
On a lighter note, I'm in overall in charge of the camp publicity stuff. Claudine, Katie and i are doing the camp booklets, all the commandments and rules and timetable. The designing part. Nick and I are doing the posters and banners. Overall, i'm suppose to chase everyone to hand in stuffs on time so i can go print, or something. Lord i need your grace. I'm nothing without you. Daddy, I really dont want this to go wrong. Everything in publicity that i did, it seems so imperfect.
the reason people condemn and bitch about you, or hate you because of something, is because they have the same problem themselves, and they are afriad to face it.
'Take my life, take it up, take it high and let it always be yours' this lyrics kinda struck me today. Kk. thats about it. I feel better now.
8:15 pm